Lately though, he just hasn't been his typical self. He started his speech therapy up here in August and last week he didn't want to go. He usually says no in a passive manner but once we arrive to school...all caution of not going goes out the door and he finds something to enjoy - whether it be a toy, a classmate, or adult in charge. Its just part of his happy go lucky character. However last week, it was teary eyes and a "Please I go home with you mom!" and since it is not his normal self...his speech teacher and I agreed to let him go home because we thought that maybe it was the onset to an illness that has been going around the schools. Maybe he just couldn't find the right words to use to shout "Hey mom, I feel like crap and just want to be home with you!".
He didn't want to go to his new preschool this week either! We are into the second week of school and he had accepted the first week beautifully. In fact, I was a little heart broken that my "baby" didn't want mommy to stick around but knew that it was really a blessing that I had a child who happily adjusted to school. On Monday, he was little hesitant to go but he walked in like a champ and was fine. However on Wednesday, he was full on crying and begging me to take him home. He kept crying that he didn't like his new school or his new friends and that he just wanted to be with me. I even tried a bribe in which I offered him a new toy if he went to school and of course he rejected my offer and stated "I don't need more toys!" (which he was right). So it took everything inside me to just smile, tell him that I love him and I will returned when school is over because I always return when I say I do. So thankful one of his teachers was paying attention and gently redirected him after my goodbye.
Once I got home I just broke down in tears! What is going on with my little guy! I noticed a few days ago he has a grey hair - a freakin' FOUR year old with grey hair - what kind of stress is my baby under?! This extremely overwhelming sense of guilt kicked in that our new lifestyle up here in NorCal is just killing the little man that I love so dearly. The more the guilt rushed over me...the more I kept thinking:
- we packed up all his stuff and he saw the moving men drive off with it
- he gets used to our temporary living arrangement in San Francisco to only have us back down in SoCal 2 weeks later
- we don't go to our "home" but rather stay at Uncle Chris' for a few days before camping in Big Bear for a week
- we live at Uncle Chris' house for 2 weeks
- return to NorCal to live at Uncle Brandon's for 2 weeks
- we potty train him during this chaos
- he started a new speech therapy class
- we officially move into a new home
- we go to SoCal for a weekend visit and we stay at Uncle Chris'
- we return to NorCal
- he started a new preschool
Poor Trent's life has been turned upside down and it's affecting him way more than anyone actually thought it would. People always say "oh they are young, kids make friends so easily!" or "they are kids...they will adjust fine!" but my poor baby is not doing good! The other day in the car, while waiting for the older two boys to get out, he just starts crying out of no where and saying he hates himself. Literally just hates himself and his reason for it was "because". It broke my heart to see his happy spirits CRUSHED with sadness! I, of course, proceeded to tell him how wonderful he was with a TON of examples but still...what can I do?
I need my baby boy to be happy again and I haven't a clue as to what to do? I'm hoping it just an adjustment phase and it will be over quickly...meanwhile...the mommy guilt is just heartbreaking!
